Grandparent’s Summer

By Nancy Butler - 2008

Over the past three summer months my husband and I enjoyed visits with our three granddaughters, ages eight, ten and twelve. We now live in a small college town in Indiana so there are not as many attractions for the girls as there would be in their home cities.

This brief background information is necessary to set the stage for what we learned during this time. On past visits, we were living in downtown Chicago and enjoyed a plethora of entertainment opportunities, not the least of which was a beautiful swimming pool, open 24 hours a day. Although we did have some organized physical activities planned before the girls arrived (tennis camp and daily swimming instruction), during these visits we lived more spontaneously and more intimately with them than ever before.

The first impression that I have about our shared experience is that we now know one another so much better perhaps because we lacked many of the past distractions. This brings up the old saying, “Familiarity breeds contempt”. Considering the girls’ ages, this might have been true. Fortunately, it was not. We learned so much this summer!

Even though I raised three children, it never occurred to me that parents need a break from the daily responsibility of caring for their kids. It is hard for a parent to think one’s own thoughts, work, exercise, cook, clean and have time to be with one’s spouse and friends when one is always fitting these activities in around children. Today in our society, children are not out and about like they were when I was a child and when my children were young. In those days, children could be gone (safely!) for hours playing ball, riding bikes, playing with friends and their parents often had no idea where they were. Not true today. It’s a very different world.

The time with the girls was a humbling experience for me. I wanted to manage everything – their activities, their food, their response to me. It was an effort for me to curb that inclination, to breathe and take the time to look at them and see them as separate from me. I was so sure of myself and what I thought was true, that I often interrupted them. My rudeness surprised me. They, lovingly, did not call me rude. And fortunately they did react, which got my attention. I had to say, “I’m sorry” more times than I want to remember.

My professional background includes the study of children, so I knew that children take more time to process ideas than adults do. Yet, I was often impatient with the girls. It took me a while to sit back and enjoy them, listen to them, play with them, and simply talk with them. Over the years when I visited my granddaughters in their home, I did not feel any responsibility for them, so I could just be with them. One thing I always did was lay at the foot of their bed at nighttime and rub their feet while we talked about anything and everything. It was very soothing, and such a peaceful envioronment, we would soon fall asleep.

Thankfully children forgive easily and keep sharing their love, so we adults have some time to grow. The girls gave that time to me this summer and I miss them. Many years ago I attended a seminar by Thomas Gordon, the author of I’m Okay, You’re Okay. The main thing I remember is that the alone position is not an okay position. One needs to be with others to play off of in order to see one’s limited perspective. We cannot choose to grow if we do not put ourselves at risk. So, do you know some children that you would like to invite into your life? If so, you will give their parents a break and you will get to know yourself in ways you never dreamed of.